Navigating Love's Riddles Through Parenthood
Dear Friends,
When I was in high school, my favorite show was Northern Exposure.
In the final season, lead characters Joel and Maggie embark on a quest to find a mythical city. Along the way, they encounter a belligerent gatekeeper, and in order to pass through his gate, they must answer his riddle.
The riddle is “How do you keep the one you love?”
Joel says, “You don’t.”
“Love is selfless, not possesive. If you truly love someone, you have no desire to possess them. You don’t keep them.”
Throughout my life, this quote has popped into my head. It usually happened while facing some struggle in a relationship.
Those relationships were almost always romantic, but I also recall this quote coming to mind with a friend or two.
Now, I’m a parent.
Along with that quote from Northern Exposure, since the birth of my son, I’ve thought about something my maternal grandfather—aka Lolo—told my dad about raising kids: “When they get their wings it’s time to let them go.”
I want to hold onto my kids more than I’ve ever wanted to hold onto anybody or anything. I’m sure it’s due to some biological drive to protect and ensure the perpetuation of my genes.
And yet, I’ve come to understand that others have had the courage and faith to let go of me in some way. (I’m looking at you, Mom and Dad.)
As someone who’s been codependent without realizing, that letting go might not have felt like love at the time. But I now see that I’ve always come back for those I truly love.
After all these years, letting go in some way has been my North Star. And now I stand at that gate as a parent. I can see myself being asked, once again, “How do you keep the one you love?”
And I hope to answer wisely.
Your friend,
Joe